During a manic episode, I experience an increased level in energy that I would describe as a kind of “high.”
I develop a heightened sense of self in which I am fun, flirty, fierce, fabulous, and fearless.
“Who would not want to be me?”
I am basically unstoppable.
I also do not feel the need to sleep much during periods of mania (well hypomania in my case).
And I engage in reckless activities such as unrestrained shopping sprees…
OR clubbing the night before a major assessment.
Then the irritation begins to set in.
And while I do not actually hear voices, I hear my own voice shouting at me, the endless amounts of thoughts racing through my mind.
And I become a bit paranoid.
At this point, the mania has usually completely transformed into depression, and I immediately suffer a blow to my self-esteem. I become filled with feelings of hopelessness, abandonment, sadness, worthlessness…and the list can go on and on.
During depressive episodes, I find it incredibly difficult to function. Even daily routines such as waking up, brushing my teeth, showering, and eating seem like daunting tasks. My energy becomes nonexistent and I lose interest in nearly everything, EXCEPT for sleeping. It seems to be my only escape.
I fear that my quality of life will never be the same again and I often contemplate living.
But, ultimately I feel a bit of relief when the cycle begins again.