2017 has been quite the ride.

I didn’t know it was possible to endure so much change in just 365 days.

The first half of this year was rather dicey, as I spent much of it teetering between life and death. I was miserable and hopeless. I did not care much about myself or my well-being. I spent several long nights out at clubs trying to escape from myself, my thoughts and my pain. I was trying to combat the feelings of loneliness. However, it proved to be a very self-defeating experience. I was searching for deeper connections in a place where intimacy is virtually non existent. I could not fill the void of loneliness.

On more than one occasion, I found solace in standing on the edge of my apartment fire escape, hoping a cool winter breeze would send me crashing down onto the cold cemented ground below me.

One day in April, I sat on the floor of my bedroom with 1.5 gallons of water sitting next to me. I really wanted to die. I was incredibly lonely and I felt invisible. Despite how much I tried to communicate how helpless I was feeling, the message was not received. So I took a gamble on my life and I guzzled 1.5 gallons of water over the span of 20 minutes. If I died it was my time to move on from this life, and if I lived there may still have been hope.

Finally, on June 8th, I voluntarily admitted myself to a mental hospital. It was one of the bravest things I have ever done. I had never been hospitalized. I did not know what to expect.

Since returning from inpatient treatment in July, I have been attending group therapy from 10AM-4PM Monday through Friday. I have abstained from alcohol use, I have stopped clubbing, and I have begun holding myself accountable.

As Mark Manson suggests in “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck,” “We don’t always control what happens to us. But we always control how we interpret what happens to us, as well as how we respond” (94). Similar to this notion, I have learned to let go of my diagnoses. While it is not my fault that I have a mood and personality disorder, I have had to accept that these are the cards I have been dealt. Is it an inconvenience? Of course! However, I can only choose how to interpret my situation and respond accordingly.

I have put in over 500 hours of arduous work uncovering my deep seated fears and insecurities. I have had to repeatedly open up to a group of strangers and learn to trust them. I have subjected myself to uncomfortable and sometimes painful feedback from other group members. Though, I have learned that it is the things that you do not want to hear that helps you grow the most. I have gotten more out of the group therapy experience than I have ever gotten from individual therapy.

While it would be out of character for me to say that I am pumped for 2018,  I can enthusiastically say “SEE YA” 2017!

Works Cited

MANSON, MARK. SUBTLE ART OF NOT GIVING A F*CK (SMITHS UK): a counterintuitive approach to living a good life. HARPERCOLLINS, 2017.